The Talk

I never pictured myself having “the talk” with my kids in the middle of a crowded restaurant on a random Friday night.  Moreover, I didn’t expect to be having “the talk” with them when they were 7 & 8 years old.  But there I was… 

Our food had arrived and we had just finished a separate, but almost as delightful, conversation about one of my tattoos.  I have two.  One is small and fairly discreetly placed on my inner foot.  The location of the other is a topic of debate among my kids on this particular evening.  Katelyn says it’s a tattoo on my butt that I will have to live with when I’m old.  Hunter – always one to defend his momma – corrects her and tells her it’s actually right above my butt.  Either way, it’s a ‘tramp stamp’ and one day soon I’ll have to explain to them that (I swear) they weren’t yet called that when I got it.  *sigh*

The table is quiet for a few moments while we all eat a few bites and then Hunter – never one to allow there to be a dull moment in life – announces “Hey mommy, one time I saw _____’s parent’s doing it.”    I’m not going to use names in order to protect the guilty parties.  J   I was stunned for a second, as I often am by my son, and I finally asked “doing what?”.  “Doing IT.  You know.  IT.”  Katelyn chimes in, “Yeah.  How babies are made.”   I know I should have left well enough alone but I called their bluff and said I didn’t know what they were talking about.  Hunter continues.  “Well, they didn’t have clothes on and…”  I cut him off.  I feel sure my face is bright red.  I don’t need to know anymore.  Paul can’t control himself or his inappropriate laughter.  Katelyn takes over and, complete with sound effects, says “hehe, yeah… babies are made when moms and dads don’t have clothes on and they make the bed go like this…” as she slaps her hand against the table.  Ahhhhhhhh!  What???  (okay, I admit that the sound effects made me laugh just a little and it was brief).  I nonchalantly ask how they know so much about “it” to which they both reply “the bus”.  The bus is a wonderful, magical place.  My kids learn so much there.  Previously, Hunter had also explained to me that he knows babies start out as “seeds” carried around by the dad – although he put it in less uncertain terms. 

I manage to close my mouth (which, by this point, is hanging open), clear my throat and tell the kids to eat their dinner so we can go to the store.  I quickly send a text to my ex-husband explaining to him that our kids need to be home schooled and then I reach to pick up my fork.  Silly me, I thought the worst was over.  A mischievous smile crosses Katelyn’s face and she says “I know Averi didn’t come out of your belly button, either.”  But faster than I could even make my vocal cords react enough to stop her, Hunter had asked her to explain and she had leaned over… whispered into his ear… giggled… and then he actually, literally gagged on his food…   

It’s a laugh a minute, folks.  Every. Single. Day.